Too Much Nonsense – My Personal Blog

 About two weeks ago I decided to take the plunge into Internet dating. My ex can have a boyfriend, why can’t I get a girl friend, or at least a FWB. I was very hesitant at first, I couldn’t believe how much money eharmony and match.com wanted. The monthly fee isn’t soooo bad, but the fact that they wanted 3 or 6 months up front is what bugged me. I have the type of luck where if I paid 6 months in advance I would meet a lady the next day and I’d be done. I guess that’s what they’re hoping for. eHarmony had a special for $19.95 a month, payable monthly, which is more agreeable to me so I decided to take the plunge.

It was quite a task setting up the account. It sort of blew me away when I had to take their mini Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory test. It made sense though, weed out all the psychopaths. I’ve taken that test several times for different jobs over the years so I know how to hide my various personality disorders. Every time I completed and passed one, I’d think to myself, “I can’t believe they freakin passed me” as I went running down the street naked. I went on to complete the rest of “My Profile”, a huge task in itself. My likes, my dislike, books I’ve read, what my friends think of me, it went on and on. About half way through I was ready to give up. But I said to myself, “you’ll never get laid if you don’t finish this!” It’s amazing how sex can be such a huge motivational factor. 

Now it came time to choose a picture. I thought, no big deal I have tons of pictures. As I started to go through them, I realized that my tons of pictures were all of my inept ex, my son, other family members and my cats. I was the primary picture taker the last 17 years. The pictures I did find of me were either really hideous or I was extremely drunk at the time, and it was obvious. You could almost hear me slurring in the photos with my watery blood shot eyes. So what to do? Easy, I posed myself. I’m a pretty decent photographer, in my mind at least. So I set up a little photo shoot of myself in the back yard. I was trying to give the illusion I was at a party of some kind. I showered, shaved, wore a nice casual party shirt and started clicking away with my remote. I thought the pictures came out pretty good, although I had a hard time making myself smile, but I was satisfied. So I uploaded one of the pics of me, “at a party” even though you don’t see anyone else around, and a picture of me and my son to give me that wholesome family guy look.

My profile was complete. I’m ready to start hitting the scene. Problem is I don’t have a clue what to do. Do I send an Ice Breaker first or do I send my five questions first? If I send the five questions first, they might think I’m too forward or at least that’s how I think about it. I decided to send the icebreaker first. This doesn’t seem to forward. Just a nice friendly Hi! Then they can look at my profile and if I’m appealing they can send their questions. But what if they just send an icebreaker back. Then what do I do?? I guess I have no choice, I have to send my five questions. But what if my five questions make me look like a perverted freak?? Oh the dilemma. I guess I’ll just have to go with what feels natural.

I’m kind of picky about who I want to date. She has to be Asian. Not submissive or anything, just an Asian lady that is not inept,  with legs, not two stumps used for legs, independent, and a decent size mouth. I won’t explain the mouth thing, I’ll just let your imagination run wild. I’m not overly concerned with weight or age, just a nice personality. For the record I’m really not one of those white male Asianphiles out there. In my defense I grew up in the Richmond district in San Francisco and 98% of my friends were Asian and still are. My first girlfriend was Asian, my ex wife is Asian. It was the culture I grew up in, what I feel most comfortable with. So I’m not looking for “Me Love You Long Time” they don’t do that. Now, the Asian prostitutes do but I’m more interested in a long term relationship……. Well…. Then again.. Maybe not….. I need to sleep on this one.

So I started reading the profiles, I make sure to stay away from the ultra religious ones. I’ve found through the years, I’m generalizing now, that if they say they’re christian and they list there number one priority as god, then I can assume there Baptist. Baptists scare me. They are like a mini cult, just two steps away from Moonies. If they don’t have a picture on their profile then I stay away because we all know what that means…….hideous. If all looked well in the profile then I’d send an Icebreaker. One by one I’d read the profile and send out the ice breaker. As  I was sending them out I thought to myself, maybe I should limit myself, after all how will I deal with all the responses?

Out of the 27 ice breakers I sent out I got 2 responses. Both from women who were literally on the bottom of my wish list. But hey, I got an 8% response rate. That’s not too bad.. is it? That’s the problem, I don’t know.

I’m starting to think that I’m hideous. After all that’s what I thought for the last 17 years. I figured since my inept ex didn’t like being intimate, actually she did when she was ovulating but it was always all about her, I must be one ugly sloppy looking mofo. But then again, one fo the ladies that I’m chatting with on eHarmony says I’m handsome, but then maybe she’s desperate. She’s got one of those photos on her profile where you just can’t tell what she really looks like. I’ll have to wait to meet her in person where I’ll either be pleasantly surprised or suddenly come up with a family emergency…..

I guess in the big scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. I’m determined. I’ll find my match out there somewhere. After all how many times have you seen these hot women with hideous looking guys? A lot, or at least I’ve seen enough to convince me… Here lies my next problem… I have no money…

I’ll keep you posted.